Vacation Time

I realized recently that I have 2 weeks of vacation coming to me this year.
Wow.
I had vacation time at my last job, but it got eaten up on a medical leave. So, really, I’ve never had a real, paid, vacation. Maybe a day or two, but 2 weeks? 10 days…
I’m not sure what to do.
I think I might take a week and go somewhere. Just get in the car and drive. I’d probably need to rent a car, but whatever. Just get out of OC. Drive thru the desert at night. Maybe camp out in the middle of nowhere. Get away. I might go back East to Kitten’s Graduation in May.
Then take another week and just write. Write what? Just write. A story. A game. Write in my journal. Write to this Blog. Work on that play that’s been bouncing around my computer for 5 years.
I’m not really sure.
Any suggestions?

"Tearing" by the Rollins Band

The way you look at me
Is tearing me apart
And the way I make you feel
Is tearing you apart
And the things we're doing to each other
Is tearing us apart
Look at you and me, tearing each other apart
I don't mean to do it
You don't mean to do it
So we better stop it now
Because we're tearing each other apart

Tearing me apart

Tearing you apart

Tearing us apart

It's hard to be alone
But it's harder to be with you
I'm a lying liar with my pants on fire
Tearing myself apart
Slamming down the phone right in your face
Tearing myself apart
So close, too close, not close enough
Tearing each other apart
When I see you
I wanna tell you
But then I lose the words
And it tears me apart
Tearing me apart

Tearing you apart

Tearing us apart

Better walk away

Better walk away

Better walk away
Before we crawl away
I've got a hole inside
And I keep it deep inside
And I'm going to go inside
And it's there I'm going to hide
Because I've gotta get away
To see if I'm ok

I've gotta get away
To see if I'm ok
Sometimes things don't work out

Sometimes things don't work out

Sometimes things don't work out

Sometimes things don't work out

And tears you apart, it tears me apart
Sometimes happens all the time

Sometimes happens all the time

Sometimes happens all the time

Sometimes happens all the time

And I'm feeling torn apart

I'm feeling torn apart

I'm feeling torn apart

Feeling torn apart

Feeling torn apart

Feeling torn apart

Feeling torn apart

The Future...?

Last night, when I got home from Rehearsal (10:30pm, an early night), one of my roommates started asking me when I what my plans were. Was I going back ‘Home’, was I getting an apartment with a friend?
Two thoughts came from this:
1) Have I worn out my welcome? I can’t be too much of burden, I’m never ever there. I’ve been having car issues and apparently the neighbors are complaining about my 2 ton paper weight sitting by the curb. Yes, it hasn’t moved in 2 weeks, but it’s only been 2 weeks! Give a guy a chance.
2) What are my long-term plans for my life? I had it all worked out (in a vague sort of way). I had plans. I had a future. It’s all gone now. I can no longer pretend that things are going to work out and all will be better. I need a new plan. I cannot picture how my life is supposed to be from now on. I’m fairly confident in my job, so I’m worried about that. The acting is going well. I’m in a great show right now and don’t see doing more good things as a problem (A staggering thought sometimes).
But, what about the rest of my life? Where will I live? And with whom? What am I going to do in 5 years? In 20? 50?
Last night I lay, sleepless, thinking about this. My life is not what I expected (Wah, Wah, I can hear you say). Before, that would not have bothered me. But, I HAD A PLAN! I had Long-term plans. A House. A Home. A Family. A Future. Now…
It’s all gone.
Obviously, it’s time to start rebuilding, but I don’t know how to do that for just me. Everything I did, everything I accomplished, everything I was, was for her. Now I am forced to look forward to…
What?
Myself?
I never even liked me. How am I going to live for me?


JHO